Hail, new masters!

A lot of people have been asking me what I think about the future of the world, especially whether or not I believe a third World War will take place. Well now, to satisfy all your needs I have created this guide to survival during the Third War. Enjoy and be enlightened.

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The Participants

A third World War you say? But who would possibly benefit from another war? Surely no one would like to see more suffering... right?

...right?

Oh, come on! Open your eyes and take a look around. No, not your room, not your neighbourhood and probably not your own country. Look beyond all that... and you'll see there are quite some candidates for our new war.

- Russia
For generations the great Soviet Republic has been one of the mightiest nations on earth. Their supreme amounts of forces were enough to strike fear into the rest of the world's hearts. However, right now Russia is a stinking pile of poop. The Russians crave a future which resembles their past. A future where their mighty Russian leader leads them to glory.
Russia is weak and lame, but they would never hesitate to unleash mutated Giant Squids, Nuclear Bombs and Mind Control Devices upon anyone who would oppose them.

- America
The puberal United States think they are the best of the best. Land of the free, land of the rich, land of peace. In fact, however, America has become the land of the stoopid. The governments have done all they can to keep the nation dumb and paranoid. Especially now that 99% of the population is probably a muslim extremist, they won't hold back their forces of Evolved Dolphins, Time Bombs, Teleportation Devices and Black Shields (front lines filled with niggers).

- The Middle East
Eager to die for Allah, the Middle Eastern nations have used their downsides in their own favor. When you aren't allowed to masturbate, have sex before marriage and you live in sand, you are sure to get depressed. "Oy, I've got sand in my butt cheeks. I am not allowed to masturbate. Gah... I'll just do a suicide bombing and collect my virgins in Heaven!" As you can see, the Middle East will be most likely to strike at anyone not living in sand and allowed to masturbate. We should be afraid!!
Though their homes are made of shit and straw, they have developed incredible Biochemical Weapons and use Allah's anger to smite down unsuspecting mortals.

- China
They're being awefully quiet these days. There's billions of em and still we can't hear em. Indeed, the Chinese have been plotting a war for some time now. They have created an army of over 5 million people and to add to that, they have huge amounts of long range missiles, tanks, air fighters and nuclear devices. The Chinese have a simple reason to go to war. They have tiny penises, and only by exterminating the rest of the world will their penises finally be rated 'moderate'.
They won't hesitate to use their Cloning Devices to create unending amounts of soldiers and their newly enhanced X-Ray Goggles allow them to see their enemies penises, filling them with rage.

- Germany
Did you forget about the Germans?! My God! The pigdogs have been plotting their new German Empire for quite some time now. Ever since 1945 have they been lurking seemingly peacefully. However, they have secretly been aiding Al Quaida and have as of yet allied themselves with Russia and China, both of which don't know they're being doublecrossed. Germany will try to involve as many countries in the Third War as possible, to make them destroy each other.
Their reasons? Germans are evil pigs. Fact.

- The Vatican
The Christians have been way too inactive these past few ages. Yet as of late, they have renewed their strength, answering to a higher call from The Great Queen Spider who lives deep below in the catacombs of the Vatican. With their army of priests, they can molest little boys of all nations that oppose to Christianity rapidly.

Their holy powers of Resurrection, changing water into wine and walking on water will serve them well in the upcoming battle.

Japan, the rest of Europe, South America, Australia and Africa will remain neutral. Some for business reasons, others because they are wise, dumb, afraid or poor. I have ignored Canada, because they're not even a real country anyway.

The war!

My prediction is as follows:

America, paranoid as ever, will build defenses around Russia, China and the Middle East. Russia and the Middle East, as bad tempered as they are, will ready themselves with all their rusty old weapons, both chemical and nuclear. This will confirm the Americans' suspicions, who will now claim they were right to be paranoid.

Germany will now tell the Americans they should not tolerate this terrorist threat. The T-word will trigger the American offensive and the war has officially begun!

Russian Submarines will attack the American Harbors, while the American Fleet and Air Forces attack the Middle East. The Eastern Extremists will now unleash their Biochemical Weapons upon the entire world. The Chinese will commence attacks from their entire border, attacking everyone at random. The Vatican will send their Crusade to the Middle East, using their priestly powers to convert heathens to Christians.

Giant Squids pull down American Ships; huge Mechanical Dragons will rampage through European cities; Intelligent Dolphins will disrupt the eastern communication devices, while the Russian Forces take control of East-Europe with their Mind Control Satalites; Chrisitan Air Fighters will drop Holy Handgrenades, changing the eastern water supply into wine and splitting oceans, causing the American Fleet to take a giant hit.

Meanwhile, Japan will make a fortune out of selling weaponry to everyone. The United Nations will be sending angry letters to all the political leaders, explaining they don't think they are being taken seriously. While the Mind Control rays and Holy Missiles fly around their heads, the Germans await their moment to strike.

However, it is unclear who will be victorious.

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In the corner of my closet stands a small box, containing a wide variety of flags. Once they invade us, I will step out of my room and hail my new masters. I have my Koran at the ready, have practised my phoney Russian accent and my penis won't be a threat to the Chinese.

I am prepared...
Are you?


Any similarities to South Park, Command & Conquer and Monthy Python are purely incidental.