The unfartgivable curse

My disrespect for authority had gotten me into serious trouble today. I was walking home from work, happily humming and smelling flowers, when a certain urge to be naughty came up again. I sat down in the grass and pondered. I had insulted God loads the last few days and his retaliation had been meager. He had made my collegues go sick, but that's not much too worry about. No, I had to come up with something more... daring.

Then all of the sudden a dangerous thought popped up in my mind. 'I could... I could say it.' my rebellious self said. 'No no no. That's madness. It could get us killed. Or worse...' my wise self said. 'Oh, cut the crap, let's find girls and have sex!' my penis said. 'Oh, shut up! Seriously, we're trying to think here!'

Eventually, my lazy self decided the only way to end the tiresome discussion in my brains, was to actually do it. So I stood up, took a deep breath and said: "Voldemort."

Immediately I felt myself being pushed through a tight hole in the air and I started to spin like crazy! After some seconds the spinning stopped and the tight feeling disappeared. I gulped for air as I landed on a misty cemetary. Shocked and scared shitless I looked around. There was no one to be seen.

Then suddenly right behind me I heard a high-pitched cackle! I jumped around and right in front of me stood the Lord of Darkness himself. On his mutilated face, there was an expression of pure evil pleasure.

"Hello, Mr. Wouter." he said softly. "Thought I wouldn't have time to kill a rude muggle, didn't you? Well, I am pleased to say I have enough spare time to even torture you for a while."

I stepped back and tripped over a rotting corpse against a gravestone. I shaked with fear and fell on the ground, my eyes fixed on Voldemort, who still cackled softly, seemingly amused with his prey.

Out of nowhere, death eaters popped up all around me. I recognized some of them, not the least of which Lucius Malfoy, whose arrogant smile and pale face were clearly visible in the dim moonlight. He snared at me gave his wand a little flick. My entire body burned inside! Excruciating pain down my spine. It felt as if my eyes were about to pop out of my skull! I wriggled on the ground, screaming as I had never before.

"Stop, Lucius. I don't want him to lose conscience. Not yet." Voldemort implored his minion, and the pain subsided. I felt tears roll down my face as I looked down at the damp grass. Why... why had I mocked the master of evil... the soulless one? I now realised my bravery had been nothing but foolishness. If only I could turn back time...

"Now you will feel true pain, muggle!" Voldemort hissed at me, pointing his wand in my direction.

"NO! God, please, no! I'll never insult you again! I am eternally sorry, o He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Spare me!" I yelled, rolling over the ground, crying.

"You should have thought of that earlier, petty mortal. Now you will -"
*high-pitched fart*

Voldemort coughed. "Now you... now you will face the wr-"


"Did he just fart?" Malfoy whispered to Goyle.

"It couldn't be... could it?" whispered Goyle.

Voldemort seemed lost for the moment, searching for words. "As I was saying... mor... errr... muggle, you will now face my -"

I interrupted him by rolling over the ground, this time roaring in laughter. If you didn't know better, you'd think someone had cast the cruciatus curse on me again. I shook my head and tears fell from my eyes.

"HE -" I yelled, hardly able to control my voice, "FARTED! HE FARTED!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Sweat appeared on Voldemort's face as he gazed at me. He surely knew it was too late to deny it now. And all his Death Eaters had been present. This was a hopeless situation.

"Come on!" he said "Everyone farts every once in a while. I couldn't help it."

The Death Eaters stared at him in complete disbelief.

"It's this new body. Gives me some extra air. I had to release it..."

Crabbe had started snorting with laughter, tried to cough to hide it, but failed miserably. It only took a minute before all of the Death Eaters had joined me on the ground.

"A - hahahahaha - a fahahahahahart!" "And all this time we thought he was all-powerful! Can you believe it?!" "Ahahahahahaha!"

Voldemort looked at his minions in utter disbelief and said "But... I can kill you all. I still can!"

"Sure, Voldy!" roared Avery, madly slamming his fists on the ground. "Or should we say - VoldeFART!"

The Death Eaters cried in laughter and rolled over the ground again, whispering jokes at each other with their spare breath. Voldemort stood silent and seemed at a complete loss.

I wiped away my tears and walked up to him. I swung one arm over his shoulder and shook him a bit. "Oy, c'mon man! Cheer up! It's only a fart! It's not the end of your career!" I said and at the same moment, Jugson and Lucius looked at Voldemort, exchanged looks and fell on the ground in laughter once again.

I sniggered. "Oy, look at the time! I really have to get home, Voldy; got a blog to write. I'll catch you later, m'kay?"

Luckily Lucius could direct me to a portkey and I journeyed home with considerable ease.

---

You may wonder what the hell you can learn from this story. Well, the clue is that if you should ever encounter a purely evil being (such as Sauron, Voldemort or Dick Cheney), the only thing you have to do to beat em, is to make em look rediculous. You'll find out being the perfect bad guy is the hardest job on earth (after the job of telling Bush what to say through his earphones).

Note: This takes place in book 7. Yes, I am befriended with J.K. Rowling and I have already read it. In short: Harry dies in chapter 2 when crossing a street in London without watching left and right first, Snape turns out to be evil and Voldemort commits suicide shortly after a fart incident.

Second note: I apologize for the sucky title.

To those of you who nagged me that Voldemort would simply have used 'obliviate' to save his ass: Get a life, nerds!