I, Sinterklaas.

For the first and maybe last time, a blog in dutch. Mainly because you silly foreigners wouldn't understand this kind of festive complexity anyway. Cheers!

---

Sinterklaas. De Goedheiligman. De enige persoon in ons land die we onvoorwaardelijk respecteren en nooit in twijfel trekken. Zowel kinderen als volwassenen hebben grote liefde voor de bebaarde weldoener met zijn vrolijke pieterbazen. Dit spreekt natuurlijk allemaal voor zich, aangezien de Sint nu eenmaal de incarnatie van goedheid is. En dat is een feit.

...right?

Midden in de nacht kwam het tot me als donderslag bij heldere hemel. Ik rolde uit mijn bed, schuifelde naar mijn computer, schoof de lege etensverpakkingen van mijn toetsenbord op de grond en knipperde tegen het felle licht van mijn scherm. Een paar simpele zoekopdrachten wezen al snel uit dat Sinterklaas geen officiëel strafblad heeft. Wat complexere acties later was het duidelijk dat de Sint ook geen medisch dossier bezit en niet ingeschreven staat bij een een huisarts. Ook bezit geen van zijn Pieten een medisch diploma. Eigenaardig dat de Sint nog betrekkelijk gezond is...

Gedreven door het gebrek aan bewijs, besloot ik verder te zoeken dan de gemiddelde speurneus. Wikipedia is voor watjes en zelfs Google is (nog) niet alwetend. Ik besloot alle netwerken in Nederland en Spanje na te gaan. Belastingaangiftes, brieven van dierenorganisaties, vertaalbureaus gespecialiseerd in oude geschriften... ik werd er gek van. De Sint werd bijna overal wel genoemd, maar kon nergens met verdachte praktijken in verband worden gebracht. Tot ik plotsklaps stuitte op informatie die de Sint in een volledig ander daglicht zou brengen... voor altijd!

Een rapport van beveiligingsmedewerker P. Terman leek op het eerste gezicht niks speciaals, maar met mijn expertise en gedrevenheid kijk je langs zulke schijnbaar onschuldige zaken. Blijkbaar is de Sint meermalen op Schiphol geweest om kindertjes die moesten wachten op vertraagde vliegtuigen (en natuurlijk alle andere), te verrassen met snoep- en speelgoed. Bij de beveiliging werd gevraagd of de kindervriend door de detectiepoort wilde gaan, welke afging vanwege zijn staf. Maar zelfs toen de goedheiligman zijn staf op de lopende band had laten leggen, bleef de detectiepoort toegang weigeren.

"Ach," sprak een Piet, "de Sint heeft soms zo'n trek in suikergoed, dat hij per ongeluk aan zijn staf knabbelt in zijn slaap."

Met deze opmerking mocht de Sint toch door de detectiepoort; een schijnbaar losstaand en onschuldig gebeurtenisje, was het niet voor het feit dat alles op zijn plaats begon te vallen in mijn hoofd. Schokkender had de werkelijkheid niet kunnen zijn...

De Sint, geboren in Klein-Azië, zou na zijn dood naar Bari in Italië zijn gebracht, een universiteitsstad met een voor die tijd grote kennis op het gebied van metallurgie en complexe machinerie. Hoewel de Sint daar nu te rusten hoort te liggen, rijdt hij toch weer jaarlijks over de daken. Niemand stelt hier vraagtekens bij, aangezien dit een 'wonder' is, dat we 'simpelweg hebben te aanvaarden'. Nee, ik kan veel aanvaarden, maar hier is iets niet pluis.

Na nader onderzoek bleek Bari destijds een Spaanse kolonie te zijn geweest. De Spanjaarden toonden grote interesse voor Sint Nicolaas, die zoveel krachten zou hebben. Next time we know heeft de Sint een paleis in Spanje. Verdacht? Ik dacht het wel. Mandarijnen, die ook destijds in grote getalen werden verbouwd in Spanje, sloegen niet bepaald aan in Noord-Europa. In die tijd werd er nog vaak aangenomen dat fruit slecht voor je was. De Spanjaarden hadden er klaarblijkelijk baat bij een respectabel figuur als de Sint naar Nederland, één van de prominentste handelslanden uit de geschiedenis van de mensheid, te sturen met mandarijnen en kruidnoten. Ook kruiden had Spanje in overvloed, wegens de goede contacten met Afrika, waar ook geregeld negerslaven van geïmporteerd werden.


If mandarins don't cause cancer, why are they cancer shaped?

Nu rest de vraag... hoe zou Spanje in staat zijn geweest de Sint te... reanimeren? Het antwoord is simpel, maar niet voor de hand liggend. In die zelfde eeuw vond nog een gebeurtenis plaats: de eerste theorie over het binaire stelsel, verzonnen in oostelijk Azië. Combineer dit met de metallurgische kennis van de wetenschappers uit Bari en de handelslust van de Spanjaarden en wat krijgen we?

Hoeveel Pieten had Sint voordat ze zich als een gek reproduceerden?
2^0 = 1
Het jaar erop?
2^1 = 2

Wanneer stierf de Sint? ZES December. Waarom vieren we het dan al op 5?
5 December
5-12

Wat zijn zwarte Pieten?
Negers.

Wat is 2 tot de negerde?
2^9 = 512
5-12
Vijf December.

WAAROM BLEVEN DE DETECTIEPOORTEN AFGAAN OP SCHIPHOL AIRPORT?

...

Ga even zitten en neem het in je op...

Sinterklaas... is een robot.

Erm, seriously... het is nu half 3... ik heb hier niks meer aan toe te voegen.

Cheers!
Wowter

Yeah yeah, the poll!

Alright, alright. I lead a busy life, you know? But sure, poke me if you wish!

Cough. Anyway. The results of the poll weren't amazing as of yet, as was to be expected, since my blog is a bit less active than it should be. I'll try to free some time in my busy, nerdy life, but I can't promise much.

Anyways, turns out invisibility is the most popular super-power. Filthy perverts!

Now, off to create a new poll.

Wouter's World

"I can't take any more! You're too big for me!" I yelled in pain, fearing my ass wouldn't hold.

"Don't whine, bitch! It's been days since the last time! You want it!"

"I do, I do!" I cried and enjoyed the kinky sensation that was a mixture of pain and pleasure. "Oh my God!"

"YES! YES! I am coming!" he yelled.

*SPLATCH*

---

Anyway, enough about my toilet sessions. Today I wanted to discu... what? You think I'm crazy? How come people keep saying that? In the last 3 days, about 25 different people have called me insane, mad, deranged or something in that general direction! It's not like I can help it... it's genetic!

You see... as a child I was quite autistic, with terrible results varying from trees running into me to imaginary nightmares at night. My parents did everything they could to help me, including the clown technique.



SMBC Comics rule!

Unfortunately the famous clown psychology turned out to have negative effects on me. I started to alienate from the real world and made myself at home in my own fantasy world. I had imaginary friends, some of whom had imaginary friends of themselves. They were crazy, I tell you! I didn't know the difference between the real world and Wouter's World anymore...

My grades at school were terrible and my teachers thought I was pretty stupid. This lasted until I was confronted with my bad results by my parents and teachers. They told me to do my best more, to stay focused. Needless to say this didn't help at all. By accident my parents found the solution weeks later.

"Wouter, school is a game and you need to win."

Madness twinkled in my eyes. 'A game... need to win...'

Now that school was suddenly interesting, I topped scores ever since. However, at university I lost my interest for learning and returned to my own world, which was a lot more entertaining than this piece of crap. I dropped out of school, got depressed, crazy and near suicidal!

Weeks went by that I didn't leave my room. Clinging to World of Warcraft and my own imagination, there was little stimulus to do anything else. I was perfectly happy with this, but my friends and family had gotten worried, very worried. Rightly so, I suppose, but I was greatly annoyed by this. I couldn't knowingly lead this absurd life if it caused my loved ones to feel worried about me.

Still, months went by and salvation was never at hand. Until one night, one blessed night. I slept in what was once my bed, but where now nothing but sweaty, stinky piles of cloth remained. I looked around the room and realised it was actually night; I didn't often sleep at night with my lack of regulation.

I cackled insanely and mumbled death threats at my pillow, while humming Ren & Stimpy songs. My mind was full of problems... 'I should quit WoW, it's destroying my life.', 'I need to get a job.', 'People think I'm crazy. Dude... I am crazy!'

I felt myself going insane and rolled out of my bed, enjoying the sensation of the filthy cold floor to my half-naked body. Completely deranged, I climbed to my feet again and walked to the mirror over my sink. I switched on the light to look at myself, the crazy nutter I was.

In the mirror, to my surprise, was not my own face. It was the face of an old, magnificent man with a long, grey beard. He smiled at me calmly. I returned the smile.

"Why am I crazy, God? Why did you make me the madman I am? I can't think normally. I... I can't bring order to my own mind! I can't fight it anymore! Chaos consumes me!"

He smiled calmly and shook his head.

"No, son. You just don't realise your power yet. You are one. You are an individual. Your thoughts are your own and no one can truly judge them. You can choose to accept anything in the world: pain, chaos, fate. None of these words matter more than you make them matter. You are in control. You decide what's right or wrong. You decide what you want to do."

I stared at him in amazement, but not for long. I blacked out and woke up on the floor the next morning. A huge lump on the back of my head ached; a souvenir to my conversation with God himself. The bastard had used my temporary absent-mindedness to have an angel hit me in the head with an angelic hammer.

I stumbled to the window and blinkingly stared into the sun. Suddenly it all made sense... It was that day that I found the solution. All my life I had been looking for a cure, but instead it turned out I wasn't sick in the first place! I am just me! Crazy! This IS Wouter's World! It's not imaginary at all! Well, maybe the evil green chickens and monkey knights were... No! Not even them! Your fantasy is as real as anything else in this world!

CRAZY!


That's me. Nerdy!

Enlightenment feels great, my friends. Once you've felt it, you are one. I can not truly describe it, but it's complete freedom. There's just one thing you all have to realise.

You are who you are.
You can make your own decisions.
Do what feels right, what feels good.

Be true to yourself!

---

Yes, I may be a maniacal lunatic, but that's my life's choice and I thrive by it. Who are you, dear reader? Are there parts of yourself you hide from the world? Open up and show people who you are! Show them you are happy with yourself and they will accept you the way you are. Trust me.

Cheers,
Wowter

P.S. God is just a metaphor for Allah. Praise Allah, my muslim friends! Let us all not suicide bomb Wouter, eh?

Our busy, modern world. - No time for monkey business?

My dearest, most loyal readers,

After thoughtful consideration I have decided to up the number of recurring formats that are seen in Wouter's World. Thus far we have only encountered Woutube and NeWWs Flash, which are of course bound to stay. (Wuzzah!)
Here is the list of new formats you will regularly see appear in this blog:

* Kick Rick! - 101 Ways to torture my good friend.
* Drugs are bad, mm'kay? - Blogs written completely under influence!

There are bound to come more formats later on, but those concepts aren't finished yet. Should you come up with a crazy idea, let me know! You know you can contact me at woutersworld@gmail.com!

Now, back to today's blog!

---

Depression's dark hand has our world in his strong grip once again! I have been warning people for the Age of Emo for a long time now, but no one believed me. Still, even the unbelievers have to face the facts! The number of suicides is increasing rapidly each year, especially in Europe, the U.S.A. and Japan the increase is exceptionally noticable. This goes hand in hand with an even bigger increase of depressions.



Yes, we're mainly talking about depressions under the western youth now. Why is this happening, you ask? I could of course study the phenomenon for years and conclude that it's due to our society that is getting more and more complex, which causes people to flee into alternate realities and eventually, seek death. However, that would be a far too serious approach for Wouter's World.

No Sir, where there's a solution, there's a problem! Or wait...


Anyway... I decided to come up with a cure for this western luxury disease. After thoughtful concideration and mutliple experiments in my lab I had to conclude that, though there are many keys that fit our black emotional door, the best way to solve this massive depression is entertainment. And whaddayathink? Let that just be my specialisation!

Ladies and gentlemen, I hereby propose to you my prize-winning answer to society's tears!

MONKEYS!


Yup, it's nature's clown alright! Honestly, who does not enjoy a good laugh while observing our silly relatives? I myself have dreamt of my own butler monkeys for years now! Awww, I can dream, can't I?

Monkeys are already being used for many useful purposes. The best example is of course the Trunk Monkey, invention of Suburban Auto Group. This revolutionary system uutilises their incredible powers to adapt to almost any situation. My advise? If you feel insecure in your car in our modern, dangerous world, take a TM(tm) with you and you'll feel a lot brighter!


Trunk Monkeys are awesome!


You know what is even more fascinating? The fact that it doesn't really matter what it is a monkey does. We always find it hilarious somehow. Observe the next picture I took in Asia last year. This monkey has just caught himself a cat and is about to eat it. Still people were pointing and laughing. But then again, they eat cats there as well, don't they? Anywho...



And then just the way they look! Though I find these Nose Apes kinda intimidating seen their size, their nose is hilarious by nature. I coudn't help but laugh at their big-nosed leader!



Of course there's also their incredible wit! You just have to laugh when you see this guy! (Ignore the wannabe-funny presentator.)



And for the die-hards, some more monkey videos!



Oh, and even a classic!



Whoopsie, almost forgot the time watching comparisons of Bush with monkeys. Yes, surprisingly there are lots of those...

Anyway, my plan is to create huge monkey concentration camps where they will be forced to reproduce, while their offspring will receive training in the ways of human humor! Soon we shall have enough monkeys for everyone and depression shall reign our rich ass world no longer!

Honestly, people! Laugh some more! Life is a game, a play, a laugh! Make the best of it! Feeling down and confused? Can't handle the pressure anymore? Slap yourself in the face and smile! Monkeys rule!

Cheers,
Wowter

P.S. Monkeys are only relatives of non-muslims. Allah created the proud muslim people afterwards or something... errrr... anyway, praise Allah!

New: weekly poll

From now on Wouter's World will feature a weekly poll. Every Sunday evening a new poll will be launched on which you can vote for 7 days. Each sunday the results of the poll will be discussed here.

Use your democratic powers!

Cheers,
Wowter

Wouter's World - End of the holiday break!

Yes, it is true! Today someone reminded me of my blog, which I had indeed planned to bring back up one of these days, but had utterly forgotten all about due to my new study. Luckily, now that things have settled a bit, I will have a free hour or two per day to spend on my blog o' rubbish!

Due to me being more active than ever before irl, I have to tune down the update rate though. I aim for an article or event every other day, so stay tuned! Wouter's World will update on mon-wed-fri-sun. This will hopefully result in a sustained quality. (Well, we can hope, can't we?)

Anyway, I'd like to express my thanks to my sexy collegue who reminded me of my long-forgotten blog. (Hope your date went well, btw ;))

Sleep well, dream of tomorrow's blog and praise Allah!

Cheers,
Wowter

Holiday Break

I'm off to France for 3 weeks. When I get back, I will renew Wouter's World. This time, a 1000 times better! Fear and tremble mortals! And enjoy your holidays!

Cheers,
Wowter

Prologue, chapter 1

Britain, 1666...

The tall man walked up the wooden stage and then watched the crowd in front of him. The view would have surprised any other, but not him. He seemed to be rather pleased as he inspected the mass of people. The audience whispered excitedly as they watched the tall man look around. Apparently, he would have some important stuff to say.

The man looked quite extraordinary. He had a grand, pointy moustache on his long, rimpled face. He wore a long hat and a beautiful brown 17th century suit. He was, however, no match for his audience. It was filled with the most unusual people you could imagine. Midgets, giants, witches, eastern sorcerors and black medicine men were just some of the people that gave the impression that this was not the most common of conventions.

The whispers had turned into loud chats and the tall man raised his hands. In seconds, the noise died away and everyone stared at him anxiously. He smiled mildly and coughed a few times before he commenced his speech.

"It pleases me greatly that you have all come here voluntarily. However, those of you who chose otherwise, have been brought here yesterday, unfortunately with use of the neccessary force."

Whispers had gone up for a second, but another arm gesture returned the crowd to silence once again.

"We can assure you no one has come to harm. However, we had to remove their powers by force, thus causing them some unpleasant feelings. You may be wondering where we stored their magic. We know like no other the power of such combined magic and were therefore forced to store it in our most enchanted chest. Behold..."

He now had the attention of every single person present before him. He stepped back a little and closed his eyes. He slowly started waving his hands above the wooden stage and smoke came out of nowhere. Suddenly his eyes opened, but they were completely white. His body shook as he muttered incantations. Runes appeared under his hands and started to glow intensely.

Then, after a loud sonic boom accompanied by lightning and more smoke, he fell down on the stage. The crowd gasped in amazement as the smoke slowly disappeared. On the stage now stood 5 grand wizards and 4 stunning sorceresses. In their midst stood a large, runed, wooden chest. Everyone seemed to feel it... this chest radiated immense power.

"The..." spoke the tall man again when he got back on his feet, "...the Council of Ten has used all her power to deny access to this chest's contents for the latest months. We have succeeded in doing so, for today our quest will be completed.
We allow the world to enter an era of peace and reason. This will be a new dawn for mankind. In a matter of time, we shall all be equals and thus war shall die out. We will finally be able to work towards a better future worldwide. Our sacrifice will make this possible. We are the martyrs of peace!"

When he spoke those last words most of the crowd erupted in cheers. Some seemed rather annoyed however, and did not speak. Still, no one seemed to deem it wise to contradict the magnificent speaker.

---

"...but you're talking about the Council of Ten, aunt Beth!"

"Of course I am. And do I seem to care? Begone, you annoying girl!" sneered the old, hunched witch as she scurried into her tent.

The entrance of the tent flew open again and in came a red-haired little girl in a brown dress. She must've been around 14 years old. She breathed heavily, yet did not seem surprised by the contents of the tent, which was full of most unusually gross substances and scrolls. The girl swallowed before she spoke again.

"You won't leave the terrain like this and even if you did, the Council would track you down in less time than it takes for a falling apple to hit the ground!"

The old woman quickly jumped forward and picked up a handful of dirt. She threw it into the air and as it fell back to the ground, a green shoot had come out of the ground. The red-haired girl watched in amazement as it grew to the roof of the tent. Apples formed at its branches. A red apple suddenly fell down and held still in mid-air.

"Magic. Do you think it is hard for me to stop an apple from hitting the ground? The Council is full of young idealists. William has lost his ways and his nine pupils make him believe the world is better off without magic. Rat poop, I say! Without magic, how will I survive my weekly excecution?"

"Aunt Beth," the girl pleaded "no one forces you to participate in witch hunts. After all, you are a witch. And honestly, you're scaring the townsfolk. You could easily live a quiet, normal life without excecutions. You are addicted to death."

"At my age you have to be addicted to something to survive. I chose death. Now quit your yabbering and get out of my tent before you step on a scroll." With a clap of her hands, the girl got launched out of the tent, which imploded seconds later with a cracking sound."

Then, with another series of cracking sounds the old witch re-appeared on the ground, surrounded by the Council of Ten. She stared around and then fixed her eyes on the tall man she referred to as William. She spit on the ground and within the blink of an eye she threw a deep purple bolt out of her right hand in his direction.

The black-haired wizard on his right quickly countered the spell with a light blue blast. William didn't move an inch, but smiled widely at the old witch.

"Beëlzebeth. I had not expected anything different from you. A talented witch like yourself finds it hard to let go, no doubt. However, your game will end here and now. You are next to hand in your powers and believe me, it'll be more pleasant for all of us if you hand it to us peacefully." he spoke, his smile still on his face.

Beëlzebeth gave William a nasty look, but he only seemed to enjoy it.

"Very well then. I hope you choke on my magic! May it choke you like cesspit fumes. Your idealistic views will never save the world, because you have donkey brains! You want my magic? Fine. ARRANTHE NEMA NEMA DUUS!"

On the ground lay a swollen up, scurvy dog. I seemed to be filled with cancer and swellings with dark green ooze dripping from its anus. It tried to roll over, but barfed over the dark-haired wizard's shoes.

"All my magic in one sick dog. Throw it in your chest, why don't you? Much good it'll do to you." Beëlzebeth spoke and kicked the dog in its swollen stomach.

The dark-haired wizard grabbed for something in his pocket as the dog barfed over his shoes again. The tall wizard named William restrained him. He waved his hands over the dog, which disappeared without sound.

"Pity." He spoke. "I'd have expected more from the great Beëlzebeth, oldest witch of the world. This magic is rather pitiful, but nonetheless it is good we have it stored. Check her."

Two sorceresses used magic globes around her and the blond one nodded to William. "She is nothing more but a filthy old woman now."

William's smile had not faded all this time.

"Good. We'll be on our way then. We have a world to improve. Oh, and Beth, try not to get yourself killed in the next witch hunt, will you?" he sneered.

Then, with cracking sounds the Council disappeared. Beëlzebeth muttered and swore and scurried off.

"A- Aunt Beth..." the girl stuttered, "Are you completely powerless now?"

"I'm out of magic if that's what you mean, but that doesn't mean I'm powerless. I'm going home to live the rest of my life in my shack. Go home to my sister; she'll be pleased to hear the next time I die, it'll be permanent."

---

This concludes part A of the prologue. There is more to come soon. Don't worry if this strikes you as too serious; the story will get wicked eventually. Heck, it'll even feature the most anti-climactic battles between good and evil ever.

Enjoy the reads,
Wowter

Sorries

My deepest sorries for the lack of content. However, I can assure you the blog is far from dead and will be around many years to come. Currently I am planning on featuring a story on this blog. It will be a series of short chapters. Of course, the readers can alter the course of events by suggesting thingies to me.

That's all I can say for now. There will be more downtime due to my holidays in France, but I'll be sure to give WW a new kick start in September.

Greetings,
Wowter

WouTube: Christian Special

Excuse me for yesterday. I had better things to do than make a blog, in all honesty. Though I will make it up to you tonight by sharing with you inside information about Christianity.

Note on forehand: The next may be offensive to Christians. Please keep in mind that everyone is entitled to an opinion and comical harrassment is to be taken lightly. Yes, holy figures may be made fun off, but don't let it cloud your mind from valid points being made.

---

The Pope has never read the Bible.
And God's plan is ridiculous...


NOTE: WW does in (almost?) no way share the ideas the Godisimaginary site puts forward. Their logic is (mostly?) flawed and mainly based on quotes from the Bible. Using the Bible for this is an easy and somewhat lame way to make a point. Still, enjoy the vids and please do think about religion in a sane way.

Family Guy - The Pope


Family Guy - Jesus and God


Jesus is a jerk. - Some parts from the Bible.
The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it.
Later we learn that the tree is dead.

A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession." Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, "Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us." He answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel."

Jesus - I will survive


Ostrich, Hippo & Jesus, Tha Moovy (Part 1 of a 4-parter)

Completely brilliant. I dare you to watch the 40 mins of material.

Yay. Youtube is a great substitute for writing anything yourself. If you watched all of this you have at least partly been enlightened about Christianity and religion in general. More about this later. Perhaps even todays!

Wow!ter

The one-winged angel.

Today I will tell you a beautiful story my grandfater told me once when I was a small kid. I got bullied at school for being gay, which I am not. Boobs rock. Anyway, it taught me a wise lesson...

---

The one-winged angel.

It was a day like any other in heaven. Rainbows all across the sky, birds twittering happily and people and angels cheering in the clouds. Deer drank from the bubble gum rivers and poo was made of chocolate.

This would have been a great day for anyone, but not for Ishmiel, the young angel. He sat in the darkest corner of his room (which was still pretty bright; heaven, eh?) and looked sad. He had tried to fly so often now, but every time he tried he just crashed down on the floor (which was still a soft crash; clouds, you see?). The reason of his problems? He had only one wing...

He peered out of the window at his friends, who flew like birds. He envied them so much. Why was he such an abomination? What had he done wrong? He smashed his fist on the flour and little pieces of cloud flew up. There would be only one who could possibly answer his question. God.

He walked up the Cloudy Stairs to God's palace. The stairs were huge, since angels could fly up anyway, but poor Ishmiel had to walk all of the 5 miles alone.

Finally, he had reached the mighty palace and entered God's throne chamber. There He was, magnificent, muscled and with long white hair. God smiled upon Ishmiel and beckoned him over.

"Come closer, my son. I know why you are here." he spoke calmly.

Ishmiel walked up to the throne, his malformed wing flapping spastically. He felt disgraced and angry, but also comforted by God's calm voice. He looked up and saw that God had reached out his hand for him.

God took Ishmiel on his nap and stroked his hair.

"You smell nice." he said.

Ishmiel looked confused, then asked: "Why am I so malformed, God? Why are the others all so perfect while I have to do with one wing?"

God coughed.

"Ahh, so that... I mean, I knew that was why you're here. Come now, get off my nap and I will show you."

Ishmiel took God's hand and in an instance, they were outside. God slowly walked up to a group of angels.

"Don't worry, Ishmiel. They can't see us now. You don't have to be afraid of them making fun of your silly wing."

Ishmiel watched his friends play, flying about happily, throwing a ball.

"Why couldn't I just be perfect like them, God? Why did you make me different?"

God smiled and pointed at one of the angels.

"Do you see Aerziel? He is happily playing with his friends, but he has a bad liver. He won't stand a good drinking fight."

"And do you see Aesheera? She may seem perfect right now, but in a few years she will realise she is infertile."

"And take a look at Turiel. He seems happy, but in fact he feels miserable because of his malformed penis."

God snapped his fingers and they were back in the palace. He smiled warmly upon Ishmiel.

"So you see, my son. I mess up all the time. You're gonna have to deal with your problems like a real man, because I'm rather busy right now. Here, take this flyer, baseball cap and this bag. I think it even has a nice pen in it. Off you go, now!"

And with a snap God zapped Ishmiel back to his room..

"God? Your boy is here." One of the guards spoke.

"Ahh yes. Come sit on my nap, my son." he spoke warmly.

"You smell nice."

---

After hearing this story, I punched my grandfather, shouting at him I'm not gay and that the story doesn't apply to me. But well, at least I learned a lesson which can be of importance to the rest of you.

Not everyone is perfect. We were created in His image, which means God isn't perfect either. We have to accept who we are.

Cheers,
Wow!ter

Note: Allah is in fact perfect, unlike the corrupted God western dogs believe in. May the pigdogs bow dow before Allah's might!

Emoes - 'People with super-emo powers are among us.'

Wow. I have found me something to do for the next... day. Advised by the whole internet and 80% of the Lost community, I decided to download Heroes yesterday and oh my... me likey! Enjoy this WW review!

---

Heroes.


Ever felt like you were special? Like you were meant to make a difference somehow? Well, you're not. But these guys are! The series is about people who discover they have supernatural abilities, varying from fire conjuring to flying. This is, of course, a completely new and refreshing concept, which shakes the very foundations of the world.

What would you do when you would discover you have super powers somehow? You'd probably go explore them and think of cool ways to use em, right? Yeah, me too. But not these guys! Heck, take the Petrelli brothers. One can fly and the other can use any power he encounters.



Emo, emo, emo. One can even paint the future. Or is it actually the other way around? Perhaps what he draws, will happen in the future! Peter found out about this, though.



At any rate, these Heroes are all superemo. Whine whine whine. Can't you just be happy with your super cool abilities?! Super powers are hot piss, enjoy them! (Oh yeah. One character, Hiro, is super cool. He completely rocks and makes the series worth it.)

So here I was, in my room, watching Heroes, when suddenly... someone down the hall went for a piss. My room is next to the toilet, so it bothers me greatly. It was 5 a.m. for crying out loud! What the hell is wrong with people these days? Going to the toilet at 5 a.m.?! Seriously, go to bed you wankers! I can't even watch Heroes in peace any more!

You could of course ask me what the reason was I was still watching Heroes at 5 a.m., which would be a valid question. I blame the endings. I might just sue those Heroes people for messing with my head! They end each episode with a cliffhanger! That's so Lost-like... and I can't fight it...

"You look pretty."
"So do you."
"Thank you."
"No, thank you!"
"Nice weather, eh?"
"Yeah."
"Indeed."
"Quite."
"Super powers suck, eh?"
"Yeah."
"Thought so."
"I feel emo."
"Me too."
...
"Oh my God, you guys. The world is about to explode in 5 seconds!"
"Oh my freaking GOD!"
To be continued...

Now thát is not fair! I can't resist but watch another episode, and another, and another, and another... until it's 5 a.m. or later. I watched and I watched and I... *yawn* ...watched.

Yay! A movie to break the wall of text!


Slightly light in my head I started to ponder. 'What if I have a super power?' It could be, right? It could actually be! So I tried telekinesis, which didn't work. I tried telepathy, but all I got was static. I tried my regeneration ability, but rly, didn't work either. Until...

I found my super power, guys! I did it. You may not believe me, but you will find out eventually. I believe there are others out there like me and together... we can make a difference! I won't keep you waiting any longer; I shall reveal to you my secret. I can... change the future.

I know it sounds like madness to you, but it's true! I tried it over and over again; it works every time. I can do things that affect tomorrow, next week or even next month! I used the last toilet paper and next day... we were out of toilet paper. I'm seriously, you guys. This is the most awesome power ever.

Feeling kinda emo about it tho.

ARGH! Just to enlighten you:
Super powers are cool, ok? If you have super powers, use them for cool things. Don't be emo about it. Heck, don't be emo in general! Being emo sucks ass! Heroes =/= Emoes, you understand?!

Priceless...


We're all heroes, deep inside (or super villains, of course) and we're all a bit emo. Just take things lightly and play life's game with whatever you've been given. We can all make our own destiny. Make the best of what you have, my followers.

Peace,
Wow!ter

Heroes Season One torrent file

Go watch Heroes. You really want to. You do. You want to watch Heroes. Go watch it. Or I will unleash my powers on you!

Hormones and memory erasers.

Oh my, I might just be better tomorrow! Though that may be good news, I'm afraid I might have a new problem now. Been watching television as a way to pass the time, and they only seem to broadcast women stuff! And... and I fear that I might just have started producing female hormones!

Just watched Made in America, starring Whoopi Goldberg, and I couldn't fight the romantic feelings! I'm a man, damn it! I probably shouldn't even have watched it! Soon the hormones will change me forever. I think my nipples are getting sensative...

Cough. Anyway. Apart from that I've been spending too much time in bed again, doing nothing but hoping I'll be able to bore the virus to death (how ironic, since viruses don't even live), without boring myself to death first.

Yikes, here I am blabbering like a breezer girl while YOU want something entertaining to read! Well then, let me tell you something with my regained strength...

---

I've not been the same since it happened. My life changed that day. I can never be sure of anything again. My entire life could just be... nothing more but a lie. I have to ask questions. I have to find the truth. My identity depends on it! It all began... about 3 weeks ago.

- Anything you read from this point on, may very well be a lie. -

It was a warm sunday afternoon and I was more than regularly bored, so I decided to go to my secret laboratory. I created a new party drug, worked a bit on my cure for aids, which couldn't rly motivate me and eventually I ended up looking for ways to disprove gravity.

Bored as I was, I thought it'd be time for a practical joke. In 20 minutes I had created a silly looking device and took it back to my room. I called my friend Steven, the psychotic murderer, and told him to come over to check out my newest creation. He came over when I promised him free cookies and grape juice.


This is what Steven would look like if he was a cat.

When he finally arrived (and began eating all my cookies) I walked up to him and showed him my strange device.

"Steven, I will now cure you. BEHOLD!" I cheered at him.

"Say whut?" he said, his mouth full of cookies.

"With my memory eraser I have erased those nasty memories about the experiments those aliens performed on you."

"What aliens?" he asked.

"See? It worked! You are now free to continue your life, my friend." I said triumphantly.

Steven looked quite confused for a while, then stepped forward and grabbed the device out of my hands. He used the controls for a bit and then pointed it at me.

"Ahaa!" he cried out. "Now I have altered YOUR memory so that you have forgotten about the aliens as well and that you think that this memory eraser is fake, just to fool me!"

"But... Steven..." I mumbled. "It IS fake... I was just playing a joke on you."

"Yes." he said. "Or were you?"

Then, as the pyromaniac he is, he set the device aflame in my kitchen.



...

From that day forth I have been searching for evidence of alien activity like a madman. I mean, who knows if it was a joke or not? I will forever live in fear of aliens. Forever.

---

And so you see, kids. Science can be a dangerous thing! Before you try something like this at home, count to 2^64, kk?

Wouter's World advises you never to mess with your memory. It is far too complicated and dangerous! Unless of course you're implementing memories of hot sex. That's just awesome.

Still ill lol

Yes, what a brilliant title, eh? And yes, I still feel sick. Sinusitus, if you're interested in a fancy medical term. So I have been sleeping all day. Getting better is so *yawn* hard...

Anyway, luckily someone sent me this amazing link, which reminded me of the biological fact that being happy accelerates the healing process! Laughing is the easiest way to feel good. So... enjoy this baby!



Ohhh :')
Brilliant!
Now enjoy this one; you might recognise some sounds on the background!



Ahhh, gotta love it when your muscles start to hurt! Laughing rocks!

And errrr, for all the dutchies:

Kud - De jeugd van tegenwoordig


Now, while I'm here hoping to get better (physically; given up on my mental illness long ago), you guys go out there and enjoy the summer! Enjoy it, my children! Be free! Free!

Diseases suck.
Wow!ter

Cloned!

I did it! I did it! After hours and hours of noobing around I have finally created a virtual clone of my cell phone! (And yes, that rimes!)



Now I have the power to clone anything! ANYTHING!

*cackles maniacally and falls asleep*

Due to me being ill atm, I was unable to write something bloggy. Hope to be better soon, so I can continue to enlighten more misguided souls. Cheers!

Lack of blogginess in my brains...

I am dearly trying to understand Adobe After Effects 7.0. I can assure you it's a brilliant piece of software! It can really edit videos in ways I could never have dreamt! Unfortunately, I am a complete noob and can still only dream, watching tutorials.

Tonight I will try my best on a cloning effect. I might even upload it to the internet if it turns out ok, so you guys have something to watch. As for tonight, no blog. Hopefully something tomorrow!

In the meanwhile, enjoy this; it's brilliant!


Voldemort pwns!

















Good night!
Wow!ter

Note: I blame women for my lack of blogginess! Dear God, my brains need blood!

NeWWs Flash!

Welcome to the first edition of Wouter's World NeWW's Flash!
In this edition:
* Russia tests the Baluva. Sounds like a yummy cake. Is a deadly weapon.
* Survival of the fattest. Good news if you like big bottoms!
* David Hasselhoff accused of being gay!

Enjoy and be enlightened!

---

Hide! The Russians are angry! In response to America's plans to install a missile defense shield in Europe, Russia has speeded up their tests with the Baluva, a fearsome new nuclear missile that should be a key element of their modern arsenal.

"The Bulava is designed to have a range of 10,000km (6,200 miles) and carry six individually targeted nuclear warhead"s."

This thing can reach 50% of the world. If they install several in Russia, they can effectively pose a threat to 80% of the populated world. Pretty much the only safe places would be North Australia, North Africa and North America, which is the safest place of all (when we're talking about Russian missiles, ofc).


Source: Google Earth

"Russian President Vladimir Putin has described the missile as a key component of Moscow's future nuclear forces, saying it can penetrate any prospective missile defence system."

Did anyone say the cold war is over? Cough, cough, not, cough, cough. See how Putin calls it Moscow's 'future nuclear forces'? The man is smart enough not to refer to it as 'future nuclear defenses', because he wants to scare the dumb Americans shitless... and he will. (NOTE: Putin did not mention that the missile was made of cartboard and piloted by a chimpansee)

Problem is, Russia wants to taunt America and America gives Russia what it wants by responding like an angry ape. Now it's time to speculate. America has made a fool of itself in the Middle East. This can lead to either of two things:
1) Bush thinks it better not to lead any more wars, since the Americans suck at it.
2) Bush will try to save America's reputation by looking for a new war that will be handled with more care.
Number 2 seems most likely to me, but that mainly depends on America's next president. Which pea brain will they elect next time?

All in all America sucks at making friends and Russia doesn't want any friends. I frown upon their silly testosteron-induced behaviour and hide in Europe, where the grass is greener, the food is better, but the women are smarter.

Quotes from BBC News.

---

People are getting fatter. Rapidly! In The Netherlands 40% is too fat. Several years ago this was 30%. Are us Dutchies heading for the same weight as the Americans? Hopefully not, because in Amerika 65% is too fat! Sixty five procent! Can you fucking believe it? Of all the Americans 24.5% is obese even!


Oh. My. God. Now these girls are obese, ok?

There have been many studies looking for an explanation. It has been difficult, for many possible solutions had been found.
Genes! They make us fat! It's all DNA's fault! We cannot resist it...
Fear! Scared people eat more! Damn those muslim terrorists for making us fat!
Fat Gnomes! They inject us with fat when we're asleep.
Unfortunately, they appeared to be far from the truth. (The Fat Gnomes were actually harmless Underpants Gnomes, injecting people with sedatives to make their job of stealing underpants a bit easier.)



Food. Lots of it. Eat a lot, get fat. Eat some more, get obese. It's simple.




Nice Orly Owls!

Being fat is not good and only a few people (less than 1%) have a disorder that unables them to have a normal weight. Yes, food is nice. Yes, we can eat a lot. Yes, we won't die immediately from it. But...
Fat people are ugly.
Fat people are less healthy.
Fat people eat too much; simple.

Now then. Some people have asked me what to do about it. Do you really want me to answer? I guess you do. EAT LESS! YA RLY! Eat less, move more. Take the bike to work, eat an apple when you are hungry, don't eat too much fried food, have more sex (with sex I do not mean 2 minute sessions, mm'kay?).

Or, the modern alternative solution:


Uncle Sam says: "Having weapons comes with a responsibility!"

---

David Hasselhoff has been accused of being gay after pictures of him had been posted on an anonymous blog. The Hoff had one thing to say in return.



---

This was NeWWs Flash! I hope you have all been enlightened. Tune in next time for more news! Same blog, some other day.

Disclaimer: Wouter's World does not claim fat people are dumber. We only claim dumb people are fatter.

'REVENGE!!' yelled the little bunny.

So... damn... tired. Have barely slept the last few weeks. Now it's come so far that I can't actually think anymore. Please forgive me, for tonight's blog might be nothing or it might be total nonsense. Even I myself will only find out tomorrow when I read it with an active brain.

I was actually so damn tired that when I pulled 20 euro out of the wall (or whatever this is referred to in English), I just left it there and left. Luckily a nice lady yelled at me and saved me from my doom. I tripped over her dog, though. Then I bought some food, went to my brother's place and forgot my food when I went back home. Now here I am, foodless and tired, trying to blog something blogful.

I've been taking courses all day. I am working for this fast food thingemabob and it wanted me to take courses. What is there to learn I didn't know already? Nothing, I found out. Poor little me, having to answer questions like "Does anybody know why we benefit from selling more food?". I have frowned all day, smiling whenever someone made a clever remark, but that was all my fun for today.

Now, let me end today's blog with a bed time story.

"'REVENGE!!' yelled the little bunny, 'REVENGE!!' and it bit through the throats of the unbelieving dogs! And errr, the blood sprayed in all directions! And errr..."

Good night, my followers.
Wow!ter

'Gnomatter the matter, I will find the truth!' - Wouter Lockefeer, 2007

I've been doing research for years now. Two weeks ago, I completed the underground connection to my laboratory. My laboratory is situated in the north of Holland, while I currently live in the east. Thanks to this underground rail rocket I have now been able to spend some more time on my science projects. Tonight I will reveal to you the secret... of matter!

Matter.



Matter. You have all heard about it, but what is it? I'll assume you went to school and payed at least some attention during physics and chemistry classes. This should have taught you that matter consists of molecules. Each substance on earth consists of its unique molecules. Molecules consist of atoms. You may remember this baby:



IMPORTANT NOTICE: DO NOT ADD THESE ELEMENTS TOGETHER, OR THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT MIGHT SEIZE TO EXIST: Beryllium, Oxygen, Phosphorus, Sulfur, Vanadium and Molybdenum.

Now, atoms consist of protons, neutrons and electrons flying around em:



The nucleus consists of protons and neutrons. The electrons fly in an orbit around the nucleus.
Protons then can be split into quarks and gluons, but you probably never came this far... which is good! For I have made a discovery.

Ernest Rutherford, formerly thought of as a brilliant scientist, deceived us. He was actually the leader of an organisation called the CHM(WD)*. This organisation used science to make us believe the world consisted of complex particles, to destroy religions. They managed to harm our religions (even the only right one, the Islam) by confusing people. Until today...
*) Christianity Hates Masturbation (We Don't)

After months of intense research, I have finally constructed my Sensy-Ray 2007, a microscope that uses the quantum mechanics of electrons flying at nearly the speed of light to 'scan' objects on the smallest scale imaginable. And what I witnessed, shocked the very foundations of what I had believed all my life. Matter consists of nothing else than...


GNOMES!

Indeed. Tiny buggers with red hats! I couldn't believ what I saw, so I kept scanning more and more and more... just to find the same results over and over. On every single level of existance, gnomes provide the scientific answer. I zoomed in on sperms, which appear to actually be gnomes in diving suits. I was abashed!

I decided to see where else the CHM(WD) had spread their filthy lies! I studied everything I could find. Cars seem to work with gnomes running around in the tires to create the propulsion. A little needle is placed behind them, to make sure that slacking gnomes will keep running. I opened a lamp, to find a gnome keeping a torch aflame all the time. I couldn't believe it!

This is the stunning conclusion of WW science experiment. Do not believe what scientists try to make you believe, for it is all a big fat lie to keep you from believing in Allah. Allah be praised!

I'd like to end with this piece of proof:


NOTE: Allah himself is not a gnome. He does however consist out of gnomes, of course. Allah be praised!

No blog, but... The Hoff!

I'm sorry guys. Turned out my blog for today was a piece of shit. (Not like the others. This one was even worse!) Therefore I have deleted it and cancelled tonight's blog. Tomorrow I'll do my best to create something more entertaining.

For tonight, I have a little something for the ladies to make it up to them! (And of course all the gays!) Enjoy!

Omg, it's the Hoff!






















The Hoff, he's sexy!


Omigod! Could it be more Hoff?!


Am I the only one getting horny like a japanese school girl?


This is the best by far. Enough naked Hoff to last a lifetime!


I want this! I want this! I want this! You want this! You want this! You want this!


Seriously. David Hasselhoff is one of the best Americans ever! God bless America! God bless the Hoff!

Update!

Oh my god! Oh, my, GOD! You guys! I am seriously, you guys! I have just added real ads to my blog! You can now click on relevant advertisements right here on this very page! Oh my, I think I already saw an advertisement of a Christian site! This google adsense thingy is smart! Oh, and I have also added a real search bar! Next thing to add: flashing banners!

I do anything for my loyal readers!
Have fun!

Wow!ter

WouTube!

Time for the first edition of WouTube, a Wouter's World production!

Explore the internet to the max with WouTube. Videos selected by your enlightened friend will hopefully give you a laugh, inspire you or simply give you something to do when you're utterly bored. Enjoy!

Word Disassociation, by Lemon Demon

This music clip is one of the best budget productions I have ever seen. You might not know Lemon Demon yet, but he makes some of the most original and funny music I know. I would really recommend looking him up on youtube, because he made way, way more stuffs that are worth every second!

Merry Fucking Christmas - South Park


South Park is one of the best animated series ever and I can greatly advise you to watch all the episodes. In this old Christmas special, Mr. Garrison explains about the diversity of cultures on earth.

Tha Cliff (2) - by Cimoc (Warning! French site! Don't click it!)


Don't try to jump over cliffs. It's not smart, kk? I'm sorry if you think this was lame, but I just love stick figures :P

Purple and Brown - From Above


"Hohoo! Hoh! Huh huh huh huh" Gotta love these. Just gotta!

More Purple and Brown!


A collection, if you feel like it.

George W. Bush


My favourite quotes:
"I think war is a dangerous place."
"It will take time to restore chaos."
"The literacy level of our children are apalling!"
"Not one doubt in my mind that we will fail."

God bless this man.

---

If you have any suggestions for future blogs, let me know!

Good Night!
Wouter

The unfartgivable curse

My disrespect for authority had gotten me into serious trouble today. I was walking home from work, happily humming and smelling flowers, when a certain urge to be naughty came up again. I sat down in the grass and pondered. I had insulted God loads the last few days and his retaliation had been meager. He had made my collegues go sick, but that's not much too worry about. No, I had to come up with something more... daring.

Then all of the sudden a dangerous thought popped up in my mind. 'I could... I could say it.' my rebellious self said. 'No no no. That's madness. It could get us killed. Or worse...' my wise self said. 'Oh, cut the crap, let's find girls and have sex!' my penis said. 'Oh, shut up! Seriously, we're trying to think here!'

Eventually, my lazy self decided the only way to end the tiresome discussion in my brains, was to actually do it. So I stood up, took a deep breath and said: "Voldemort."

Immediately I felt myself being pushed through a tight hole in the air and I started to spin like crazy! After some seconds the spinning stopped and the tight feeling disappeared. I gulped for air as I landed on a misty cemetary. Shocked and scared shitless I looked around. There was no one to be seen.

Then suddenly right behind me I heard a high-pitched cackle! I jumped around and right in front of me stood the Lord of Darkness himself. On his mutilated face, there was an expression of pure evil pleasure.

"Hello, Mr. Wouter." he said softly. "Thought I wouldn't have time to kill a rude muggle, didn't you? Well, I am pleased to say I have enough spare time to even torture you for a while."

I stepped back and tripped over a rotting corpse against a gravestone. I shaked with fear and fell on the ground, my eyes fixed on Voldemort, who still cackled softly, seemingly amused with his prey.

Out of nowhere, death eaters popped up all around me. I recognized some of them, not the least of which Lucius Malfoy, whose arrogant smile and pale face were clearly visible in the dim moonlight. He snared at me gave his wand a little flick. My entire body burned inside! Excruciating pain down my spine. It felt as if my eyes were about to pop out of my skull! I wriggled on the ground, screaming as I had never before.

"Stop, Lucius. I don't want him to lose conscience. Not yet." Voldemort implored his minion, and the pain subsided. I felt tears roll down my face as I looked down at the damp grass. Why... why had I mocked the master of evil... the soulless one? I now realised my bravery had been nothing but foolishness. If only I could turn back time...

"Now you will feel true pain, muggle!" Voldemort hissed at me, pointing his wand in my direction.

"NO! God, please, no! I'll never insult you again! I am eternally sorry, o He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Spare me!" I yelled, rolling over the ground, crying.

"You should have thought of that earlier, petty mortal. Now you will -"
*high-pitched fart*

Voldemort coughed. "Now you... now you will face the wr-"


"Did he just fart?" Malfoy whispered to Goyle.

"It couldn't be... could it?" whispered Goyle.

Voldemort seemed lost for the moment, searching for words. "As I was saying... mor... errr... muggle, you will now face my -"

I interrupted him by rolling over the ground, this time roaring in laughter. If you didn't know better, you'd think someone had cast the cruciatus curse on me again. I shook my head and tears fell from my eyes.

"HE -" I yelled, hardly able to control my voice, "FARTED! HE FARTED!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Sweat appeared on Voldemort's face as he gazed at me. He surely knew it was too late to deny it now. And all his Death Eaters had been present. This was a hopeless situation.

"Come on!" he said "Everyone farts every once in a while. I couldn't help it."

The Death Eaters stared at him in complete disbelief.

"It's this new body. Gives me some extra air. I had to release it..."

Crabbe had started snorting with laughter, tried to cough to hide it, but failed miserably. It only took a minute before all of the Death Eaters had joined me on the ground.

"A - hahahahaha - a fahahahahahart!" "And all this time we thought he was all-powerful! Can you believe it?!" "Ahahahahahaha!"

Voldemort looked at his minions in utter disbelief and said "But... I can kill you all. I still can!"

"Sure, Voldy!" roared Avery, madly slamming his fists on the ground. "Or should we say - VoldeFART!"

The Death Eaters cried in laughter and rolled over the ground again, whispering jokes at each other with their spare breath. Voldemort stood silent and seemed at a complete loss.

I wiped away my tears and walked up to him. I swung one arm over his shoulder and shook him a bit. "Oy, c'mon man! Cheer up! It's only a fart! It's not the end of your career!" I said and at the same moment, Jugson and Lucius looked at Voldemort, exchanged looks and fell on the ground in laughter once again.

I sniggered. "Oy, look at the time! I really have to get home, Voldy; got a blog to write. I'll catch you later, m'kay?"

Luckily Lucius could direct me to a portkey and I journeyed home with considerable ease.

---

You may wonder what the hell you can learn from this story. Well, the clue is that if you should ever encounter a purely evil being (such as Sauron, Voldemort or Dick Cheney), the only thing you have to do to beat em, is to make em look rediculous. You'll find out being the perfect bad guy is the hardest job on earth (after the job of telling Bush what to say through his earphones).

Note: This takes place in book 7. Yes, I am befriended with J.K. Rowling and I have already read it. In short: Harry dies in chapter 2 when crossing a street in London without watching left and right first, Snape turns out to be evil and Voldemort commits suicide shortly after a fart incident.

Second note: I apologize for the sucky title.

To those of you who nagged me that Voldemort would simply have used 'obliviate' to save his ass: Get a life, nerds!

I (heart) art?

As if I am examining it thoroughly, I peer at the painting without making a sound. The guy next to me has obviously noticed, for he has just begun rubbing his chin, as if pondering gravely. How to beat the old-fashioned chin-rubbing? I feel cold sweat on my forehead. Quickly I correct myself by rasping my throat, saying: "Ahhh, yes. Brilliant!"

My competitor seems to get nervous. Then all of the sudden he retreats, leaving me with my sweet victory! I have won the museum battle once again! That is... I would have, if it weren't for the guy who just walked in. He peers at the painting named 'Jesus lives in my closet' featuring a girl blowing bubbles out of her armpits while tiny Tyranosaurs dance around her. He merely mumbles "Moronic..." and carries on. Both me and my anonymous competitor sigh. This guy has surely won.

---

That was, of course, a normal day in the museum. You all know the feeling. You walk around, watching paintings and statues in the presence of people you don't know. You don't want to seem like a total noob, so you stand still at every piece of art and act as if you're pondering about its meaning. Deep inside, you hope someone who seems to have some sort of status will say something out loud, so you can copy his or her opinion and seem intelligent.

What is it about art that makes us nervous? What is the power of art? Or even better... what is art?

Art
Even the first real humans felt a certain urge to create images of our world in an artistic way. Cave men, with an IQ of an average American, found out chalk, coal and sand could be used to make drawings in their homes (caves, for the idiots among you). Nowadays we call this early forms of art, and I have to agree. It certainly seems our hairy ancestors tried to make their drawings look... cool somehow, which counts as art for me!

Art has evolved throughout the ages. We have seen gigantic frescos featuring godly sceneries, magnificent statues of mighty leaders and wonderful buildings that showed the greatness of their builders. However, that is in the past. Art has become something to fear; something you try to avoid, but get confronted with whether you like it or not. The reason? Fake art. Short: fart.

Fart is a recent abomination of art that has brought with it its dark and frightening atmosphere. You see, with our recent wealth and peace, we have become free to do whatever we want. We can create pretty much anything we want ourselves and share it with each other in a matter of seconds. Computers and internet have given us the opportunity to seem like professionals! This has given many of us the idea that they can create art... with disastrous results!



Shiver and tremble! This painting is worth more money than you have earned in your life, no doubt. Yet, is it truly artistic? Farts!








This is art. See? It required thought to create and gives you something to think about. Real art!












Obviously a fart! I mean... what's up with this, eh? It's crazy!









This is art, people! Look at it. Makes you wonder about... stuffs! Really, this is really artly!





Really. What the fuck is up with this? Complete gibberish without a point. Go home, loser! Just because you can make weird stuff doesn't make you an artist. Really... some people...








Now THIS is top of the bill art! The set-up, the deep controversial background, the lighting; the work of a true master. This stuff separates the art from the fart baby!












Errrrrr... learn to hold your pencil? 100% noob, people! Pure shitsounds! Take a look at it! Learn to draw within the lines, kiddo. This stuff can make me really angry.











And finally...






True art. See how the word 'Loneliness' makes you think about stuff? Indeed. That's art.








Fart is what confuses you. Every time you see something that is supposed to be art, you wonder whether you should like it or not. Remember, people! Art is not about what the mainstream thinks! Art is about breaking barriers and making people wonder about life. If you like something weird, just call it art. Art is flexible: it's what you make of it. Don't let the mass control your opinion. Let me.


When I said that any fool can make something and act professional, I didn't refer to my own blog, thank you very much!

Fart sound by Fart Sounds - We fart. You laugh.